Brian James O'Connell

Book Title Reviews: Ragnar Benson

Monday August 3, 2009

This is a series where I combine two of my great loves: interesting human beings from the fringes of society and passing hilarious, instantaneous judgment on things I am unfamiliar with in the world.

This week I’ve decided to highlight an author by the name of Ragnar Benson.

Now, let me state, right up front, for the record, and as may be required by law, I, Brian James O’Connell do not recommend reading or attempting to procure, build or emulate any of the below mentioned materials.

Let me also state I love commas and long, run on sentences. Watch your ass, Nathaniel Hawthorne!

Let’s go down the list, shall we?

Acquiring New ID : How To Easily Use The Latest Technology To Drop Out, Start Over, and Get On with Your Life

Whether you shot a man in Reno, are in this country illegally (for employment or destruction) or simply want to avoid a nasty break up, this book is a must read. I personally plan on starting my new life as Chuck Stormcrusher.

Action Careers: Employment in the High-Risk Job Market

An Idiot’s Guide to Mercenary Work. I’m upset that jag off no longer works at NBC because I was really looking forward to the pilot of “So You Think Can Kill for Money?”

Breath Of The Dragon: Homebuilt Flamethrowers

I’m not going to lie: I really want this book. Forgetting for a moment how badass that title is, did you realize that there are no current federal laws governing or restricting the possession of flame-throwing devices? I know, right? FYI: My birthday is coming up.

Bull's Eye: Crossbow

This speaks to my love of speed AND clarity.

David's Tool Kit: A Citizen's Guide to Taking Out Big Brother's Heavy Weapons

Yes, because the Hebrew David would have totally been down for some sticky bombs. I imagine these books fly off the shelves in the Middle East.

Do-It-Yourself Medicine: How to Find and Use the Most Effective Antibiotics, Painkillers, Anesthetics and Other Miracle Drugs... Without Costly Doctors' Prescriptions or Hospitals

Are you listening President Obama? Mr. Benson has solved your health care crisis.

Eating Cheap

A handy book really. I might get this for Dave Holmes. He travels a lot and is always on the lookout for new places to dine that won’t hurt the old pocketbook. What?

The Greatest Explosions in History: Fire, Flash and Fury

I’m going to assume this is a coffee table book. Good conversation starter.

Guerrilla Gunsmithing: Quick And Dirty Methods For Fixing Firearms In Desperate Times

Like when the United States Armed Forces are shooting at your cabin in the woods?

Hardcore Poaching

I prefer softcore myself. The lighting tends to be a little better and they at least attempt to cobble together a decent story.

Home-Built Claymore Mines: A Blueprint For Survival and Homemade C-4: A Recipe For Survival

Hey, all the Marines in my family: What makes a claymore mine a “blueprint” and C-4 a “recipe”? Am I over-thinking this?

Homemade Grenade Launchers: Constructing The Ultimate Hobby Weapon

See flame-throwers. My birthday is August 18^th.

Live Off The Land In The City And Country

Ragnar, I love you baby, but there is not a chance in hell I’m eating anything that was on the street in the city. I live in Los Angeles. I shudder to think.

Mantrapping and The Most Dangerous Game: Advanced Mantrapping Techniques

Now, I loved “The Most Dangerous Game” when I read it in middle school and I’ve played an eccentric billionaire who hunts men for sport on an improv stage more times than I can remember but, please, for the love of God, do NOT skip directly ahead to the second book. Those are advanced techniques.

The Modern Survival Retreat

Forget those sissy retreats to Palm Springs that the William Morris Agency does every year. Let’s see those pussies when they are in Ragnar’s World!

Modern Weapons Caching: A Down-To-Earth Approach To Beating The Government Gun Grab

(Tips hat to Mr. Benson’s use of alliteration.)

New And Improved C-4: Better-Than-Ever Recipes For Half The Money And Double the Fun

Seriously, how many f’ing C-4 recipes can there be? My Maga’s recipe is, ahem, killer.

Ragnar's Action Encyclopedia of Practical Knowledge and Proven Techniques

(A compilation from some of his other books, you know, for the beginning delusional paranoiac.)

Ragnar's Big Book Of Homemade Weapons: Building And Keeping Your Arsenal Secure

Another coffee table book, I assume. Try saying that book title as if you were a crotchety old prospector. Trust me. I’ve done it, like, three times already.

Ragnar's Guide To Home And Recreational Use Of High Explosives

“Hey, Jimmy! Watch this!”

Ragnar's Guide To Interviews, Investigations, And Interrogations: How To Conduct Them, How to Survive Them

I can think of at least three ex-girlfriends who I pray to God every night don’t find a way to possess this book.

Ragnar's Guide to the Underground Economy

It’s based on railroads. (Go ahead. I’ll wait.)

Ragnar's Homemade Detonators

Where else on God’s Green Earth will I get them?

Ragnar's Tall Tales

“Paul Bunyan and his Big Blue Ox, Babe, lynch John Henry in the first stage of the Racial Holy War!” Illustrated for Children, naturally.

Ragnar's Ten Best Traps: And A Few Others That Are Damn Good Too

Oh, now don’t be modest, Ragnar. I bet you have at least twenty traps that could be claimed “The Best.”

Ragnar's Urban Survival: A Hard-Times Guide to Staying Alive in the City

The original subtitle was: “Kill All N****R’S On Sight” but it just didn’t “pop”, you know?

Survivalist's Medicine Chest

“Featuring none of the medication prescribed by my court appointed shrink!”

Survival Nurse: Running an Emergency Nursing Station Under Adverse Conditions

This was the source material for Jada Pinkett-Smith’s vehicle, HawthoRNe. But, seriously, fuck that show. I’ll bet you ten bucks by next season she’ll also be solving crimes.

Survival Poaching

“When Sunny Side Up equals DEATH!!!!!!!!”

The Survival Retreat: A Total Plan For Retreat Defense

Whoops! Trick Question: Ragnar Benson NEVER retreats.

Switchblade: The Ace Of Blades

Lemmy from Motorhead is probably kicking himself over this. Really, though, how long can this book actually be?

Switchblade: The Ace Of Blades (Revised Edition)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Starting a New Life in Rural America: 21 Things You Need to Know Before You Make Your Move

Because when you’ve attempted to purchase any of these books, you will immediately be flagged by the government and put on a black list which will then start the vicious cycle of you having to purchase even more of these books. Ragnar Benson: Marketing Genius!

Now, with all due respect to Mr. Benson (and if you check out that Wikipedia link you will have no doubt that he is a serious man who is not to be toyed with), I can’t imagine obtaining any of these books because I would have blown myself up a hundred times over before I made it through the table of contents.

Except for Breath Of The Dragon: Homebuilt Flamethrowers. I’m serious. My birthday is coming up.

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